7:13 AM

Good morning lovelies. Good morning earthling. Hello you and hello me. Here I am writing, venting out my never ending problem.

Let us start with 'I am not a good person' 'I am not a good friend' 'I am not a good girlfriend 'I am not a good daughter. I am sorry for that. I am sorry for making people's life miserable, I am sorry for making people sad because of me. I beg for forgiveness.

I tried, I tried to be a good daughter, I tried to give respect you like how a daughter should. But I expect the same too, I am human too who wanted to be respect, care, and understand. I'm not a robot that you can simply yell and mad at. I have been crying, been thinking a lot these few days. I don't know whether it's because of my PMS or because I have been bottle up these unwanted feeling for so long and BOOM! I tried to forgive whatever things or people had done to me.

I still remember the day when my backbone were in pain, I asked you to meet Dr Kasey, and you mad at me telling you don't have money and etc when actually you have. I am sick yet you still wanted to kept that money for yourself. I remember that and I learned to forgive and forget. Whenever I wanted to eat something, sushi, crab for instant, I never wanted to burden you by asking you to bought it for me. All I asked is to bring me to the place and let me buy it with my own money (I am still a student mind you). I tried to help you by not using your money for my whatever I want.

And for last week, things happened again. History repeat by itself. I saw the amount with my own eyes yet you always makes yourself look so pity. You kept telling us that you don't have money to even buy yourself a medicine. And the fish I just saw at the resit? you lied to me. I'm not that bad and evil that I will use your money, no I wont. All these while, whatever I want, whatever I want to eat, I buy it with my own money, I used the money that I have been earning to buy whatever things that I want so I won't have to ask you or burden you. And it felt so disappointing knowing that you have been lied. You so pathetic Gretchen Lam, You are so stupid for thinking that everyone will treat you good as long as you treat them like one. I have learned my lesson. I cried a whole day. I don't have much money yet I never forget to spend it to my family, buy them their favorite food just to make them happy. Money won't last forever, happiness is.You are such a secret type of person. I don''t know you anymore. You even being so hypocrite to your family. I can't believe you just did it. What happen to my family?

I have always wanted to have a loving and understanding family. I guess all that were too much to ask for. Whenever I'm in school, friends surround me can't wait for semester break, so that they could have a well spend with their family, can have a good rest at home. Unlike me, home is like IDK, not a place for me to get a rest. It was hard to be gretchen lam.  Everyday was a hard day. Now I am currently doing my internship approximately for two month. My friends can't wait to finish it. And ask for me, internship were to the only things that could drag me away from home, away from all the unhappiness that happen at home. W/o the internship, I don't think I would survive without a single tears staying at home. Internship is like an escape for me. Escape from a sad life that I have at my home.

How pathetic I am. But I always know that no matter how bad your life is, there were others that have much more worse that us so I always felt grateful for whatever I have.

I am hoping that my dad were right beside me. He's the only one that could understand me well, better than others. He's the one that I can rely on whenever I have problem. I can talk everything with him without being judge or yell at. I miss you dad. I just wanna finish my studies and get a job so that my father wouldn't have to work far from us.

the end

thank you