Sorry.

If it is wrong for me to wanting your attention, I am sorry then.
If it is wrong for me for wanting each of your attention. I am sorry then.
If it is wring for me to annoy you with my bad attitude, I am sorry then.
If it is wrong for for me to sometimes act like a lady boss, I am sorry then.
If it is wrong for me to ask you to gave me full attention, I am sorry then.
If it is wrong for me to ask you to choose between me and football, I am sorry then.
If it is wrong for being myself with you, I am sorry then.

I am sorry for all the trouble that I cause along our relationship'
I am sorry that sometimes, I never get enough attention from you, that I tend for wanting more and more.
I am sorry that sometimes I'm being so childish and act like a kid in front of you.
I am sorry for acting like a strong woman in front of you.
I am sorry that sometimes, I'm talking loud and feeling proud in front of you, maybe sometimes all I want is some compliment from you.

If being myself makes you feel trouble, sad, mad, then stop.

Stop from forcing the situation.
Stop forcing two heart to beat with each other
Stop hurting each other
Stop everything and let go.

Maybe let go is the best solution

Maybe let go doesnt mean that we don't love each,
Maybe it meant to be and was the best solution for both of us.
Maybe we should not force each other.
Maybe we should let the God decide, of what the best for us, for our future.

The feeling is not the same anymore.
There is no more butterfly feeling inside your stomach,

I am scared of losing you.
I am scared of losing the one I love, for once again.
I am scared of being needy with somebody that doesn't want to be bother.
I am scared of hurt.
I don't want to be in that situation anymore

Dear future. I wanna be happy. Teach me please.

30/7/2015

Hello bloggers. I wanted to share something. Today is the day I had started to join business. Of course I'd started as a dropship since I have zero modal. But it's okay as  beginner I need to start from basic, learn whatever things that I should learn. Enhance and improve my communication skill to attract more customer. I am excited but of course I do not know how to start. HAHA

Thanks to my former roomate Amylia had gave me a chance to join her in her selling product. What make's me wanna join it? All these while I've been hearing people selling this and that. I am so envy. I wanna sell something too. I wanna start business too. It just I don't know how to start. I don't have to courage to do that. I am so afraid of what if this and that. But today I will push all the negative thought aside and be brave enough to start a baby step.

Who else will start it if not ourself, right? So yeah today is my officially day as a beginner.
I've been wanting and dreaming of be like one, and I want to make it real. I want to have two side income. I want the money work for me. Of course you need to work hard to earn more but I can do it right, with the moral support from my beloved family and friend, and my beloved boyfriend. I can do it. Yes I can and I will. I need to always whisper to myself that I can do it, do not let the negative thought control me from doing what I really want. I can do it and I will do it starting from today. Day 1. Good luck to myself and pray for me!hehe

10:20

Fast forward to my point. Yesterday was the time that I had experience with earthquake and it was scary I tell you. Yesterday around 12am midnight, I was on the phone with my boyfriend and we had some chit chat while I was laying at the sofa. We were laughing and gossiping. Out of sudden, I felt like something is shaking, the sofa is moving by itself, I thought I was hallucination, but this time, I can really feel the sofa is moving and I am hundred person sure I'm not hallucination. The place is shaking. I was so scared, I know that it was earthquake. Everything came straight to my mine, what gonna happen next, what's happening, will I be dead tonight? everything, is lingering on my head and yes I am not ready yet to die, that was for sure. It happened so fast like a few second only but I wont for forget as long as I am breathing, At that moment, I really thought that I was going to die, I do not know what to do. Negative thought kept lingering up until now, I still can remember everything that I felt yesterday.

I don't know what gonna happen to me and to my family in the next day and forward. I don't know when it gonna stop. I can only pray that may the God always protect us from the danger.

It was an experience that I won't ever forget

8:01 AM

Good morning loveliest people. Hello me and hello you. How's life been treating you all these day? I'm pretty fine, I mean of course I am not okay when it comes to problem. But what like is without all the obstacles and problem right? So I'm pretty good, I'm handling it with my own way. I choose to avoid and remain silent whenever I get yell or whatsoever. Orang bilang 'masuk kiri keluar kanan' kan. It work for me. You won't feel hurt by applying that to yourself. hehe.

Okay sorry for being cheesy and I'm about to post something that is so not me, and feeling cheesy a little bit, or maybe a lot. haha. I kinda miss my boyfriend a little too much lately. We are having a long term relationship. My choice to be with someone that is not from my place so I need to deal and learn to being far whenever the situation drag us to. People might say ala lepas study tu nanti balik tempat sendiri nanti tettt ( you know what I mean) la tu. I don't even gave the guard to say that word. I mean who the hell doesn't think about that? I myself afraid that history might repeat by itself too. palis palis! huhhh.

But yea I need to have faith with him and to this relationship, it wont stay long even you both were staying in a same place if both of you did't try hard to work it, right? So we choose to stay and stick to each other through thick and thin and won't give up on each other. And yes said easier than done. Blergh. That thought kept lingering on my mind whenever we have a big crisis. And course I'm the one that always bring up the big issues. haha . I guess it because I am a girl. I have lots of emotion. I can be so happy and out of sudden change into a lion, I mean like 0.03 second. haha I mean it. He even acknowledge it and he did mention it to me and we both laugh out loud. kahkahkah. I am an unpredictable person I must said. But thank God that I met someone that is so never once give up  on me. I mean of course every couple will said that, But no everyone will prove it. Like I mention before, said easier than done. We have been together for a year and the half already and I can feel that he's the one, that can guide me and take a good care of me and my family. Most importantly he can accept my family and vice versa. My mom had approved my relationship so as my sister, despite of our religion. At first she was not exactly approve our relationship but day by day she finally can see it. She try to understand me and let me do what I want as long as I am happy and I know what I am doing. Hence I am so thankful with it. hehe

It felt so good when your parent had approve your relationship. It's like ok bila mau kahwin? haha lol. Okay speaking about marriage, no no. Not now. I have to finish my studies too. Fine a stable job, earn money then I can think about myself. Family come first and kalau ada jodoh tidak ke mana juga kan. hehe. Plus I'm the eldest hence I can't be that selfish. Nowadays marriage come easy. Hence we need to have an stable economic so that you won't kais pagi makan pagi after your marriage. that was my opinion.

And all I am praying, and hoping that no matter how much we fight, our relationship will always be shower with happiness. There is always up and down in every relationship and we don't throw it just because it doesn't go like we want to, we forgive it, and choose to stay with each other.

'The end

7:13 AM

Good morning lovelies. Good morning earthling. Hello you and hello me. Here I am writing, venting out my never ending problem.

Let us start with 'I am not a good person' 'I am not a good friend' 'I am not a good girlfriend 'I am not a good daughter. I am sorry for that. I am sorry for making people's life miserable, I am sorry for making people sad because of me. I beg for forgiveness.

I tried, I tried to be a good daughter, I tried to give respect you like how a daughter should. But I expect the same too, I am human too who wanted to be respect, care, and understand. I'm not a robot that you can simply yell and mad at. I have been crying, been thinking a lot these few days. I don't know whether it's because of my PMS or because I have been bottle up these unwanted feeling for so long and BOOM! I tried to forgive whatever things or people had done to me.

I still remember the day when my backbone were in pain, I asked you to meet Dr Kasey, and you mad at me telling you don't have money and etc when actually you have. I am sick yet you still wanted to kept that money for yourself. I remember that and I learned to forgive and forget. Whenever I wanted to eat something, sushi, crab for instant, I never wanted to burden you by asking you to bought it for me. All I asked is to bring me to the place and let me buy it with my own money (I am still a student mind you). I tried to help you by not using your money for my whatever I want.

And for last week, things happened again. History repeat by itself. I saw the amount with my own eyes yet you always makes yourself look so pity. You kept telling us that you don't have money to even buy yourself a medicine. And the fish I just saw at the resit? you lied to me. I'm not that bad and evil that I will use your money, no I wont. All these while, whatever I want, whatever I want to eat, I buy it with my own money, I used the money that I have been earning to buy whatever things that I want so I won't have to ask you or burden you. And it felt so disappointing knowing that you have been lied. You so pathetic Gretchen Lam, You are so stupid for thinking that everyone will treat you good as long as you treat them like one. I have learned my lesson. I cried a whole day. I don't have much money yet I never forget to spend it to my family, buy them their favorite food just to make them happy. Money won't last forever, happiness is.You are such a secret type of person. I don''t know you anymore. You even being so hypocrite to your family. I can't believe you just did it. What happen to my family?

I have always wanted to have a loving and understanding family. I guess all that were too much to ask for. Whenever I'm in school, friends surround me can't wait for semester break, so that they could have a well spend with their family, can have a good rest at home. Unlike me, home is like IDK, not a place for me to get a rest. It was hard to be gretchen lam.  Everyday was a hard day. Now I am currently doing my internship approximately for two month. My friends can't wait to finish it. And ask for me, internship were to the only things that could drag me away from home, away from all the unhappiness that happen at home. W/o the internship, I don't think I would survive without a single tears staying at home. Internship is like an escape for me. Escape from a sad life that I have at my home.

How pathetic I am. But I always know that no matter how bad your life is, there were others that have much more worse that us so I always felt grateful for whatever I have.

I am hoping that my dad were right beside me. He's the only one that could understand me well, better than others. He's the one that I can rely on whenever I have problem. I can talk everything with him without being judge or yell at. I miss you dad. I just wanna finish my studies and get a job so that my father wouldn't have to work far from us.

the end

thank you

Hello readers. Its me again, writing and writing.

As you may know, I am now a degree student, studying at one of Malaysia's IPTA, based in JB. Im taking education in multimedia creative. Yes you heard me, multimedia creative. And yes, this course is so not me, not my taste, not at all. Basically I hate it, I hate it why I've been given this course. BUT! There always a but here. Despite of all the hatred, I need to motivate myself, tell myself to be grateful, Be grateful that I've been given a chance, to further my studies, to achieve my dream, to create a path.I should not get too emotional toward everything. And yes, I have learn that not everything that we want will be given, Life may not be like what we have created. God know the best for us, and I strongly believe that everything happen for a reason. So thus this course, I believe that there is a reason why I get this, not the one that I choose. So of course, I am grateful enough for everything that God gave me. hehe. Don't get me wrong okay :p

But honestt speaking, being creative is not my kind of thing. I'm not a creative person. I don't even have skills, in terms of drawing. But I can't be like this all the time. I can't keep on saying that I can't.I need to trust myself and get my ass and absorb everything little by little. It might took some times and I can do that. huhu. I really hope so.

I miss my family, it's been two week I am away from my family. It's been a while that my mom didn't blow my phone. And I kinda miss them a little too much lately. I vent it out with my roommate, with my boyfriend, that I miss my mom. I was wondering why they didn't blow my phone. And one hours later, while I was chit-chatting with my roommate, my mom called me. yay! Imma happy kid. I was jumping around like a kid, answering the call. hehe. So we had some chit-chat there, It was a great feeling :) and It felt so glad to hear their voice.

I'm thinking of give a call to my dad later. I miss him too. Of course I miss him, Imma daddy's little girl remember :P HAHA.

Speaking about myself, life so far so good.  My class schedule finally on track. Glad with that. My relationship with my boyfriend went well, there is some bittersweet throughout our relationship but eventually we will get through it. I love him so much and I hope God won''t take him away from me. I'm so tire to losing people that I loved and cared. I'm just so tired of being hurt and get left. I hope this time will be better that the last time. I really hope so.

I need yo start to read more and write more. to improve my english skills, especially in writing. Writing is my weakness and my lecturer encourage us to read more. Need to work hard for this semester and hopefully I could get flying colour of pointer.

Goodbye
xoxo

hello readers. since I have ample of time so why not spend some time and blog some crap. lol. Actually I'm not, the truth is I have tons of work to do, report for instance. Everyone were so busy finishing their report and here I am, doing nothing, hoho. I love doing things last minute, I love pressure, it help me to do things faster. haha. I don't know on-mto write actually, its like my mind stuck and blur, Somehow it is hard for me to put my feelings into word nowadays, guess I need to write and read more, to brush up my english.

I just finish my 'Bina Insan Guru' camp and it was fun. ok I lied, it was not fun at all! We need to get up so early, 4:00 am in the morning, all the muslims need to go for solat meanwhile me and my other non-muslim friend were asked to gathered at dataran. I'm so sleepy and all I care is to sleep, so yeah, I slept on the tar. hahahaha. It was quite fun thou,you don't care whether its dirty or whatsoever, all you could think of is to sleep and that what me and my friend did, while waiting for the muslim for solat. One of the best moment. haha. And most of the activities were ceramah, ceramah and ceramah. It was so bored that I fell asleep almost every of the ceramah. I didn't mean to, it just I can't help it, my body were lack of energy, huhu.

Ad oh yeah, during that camp, I had gave away my phone to the facilitator. Since I am away from social network, disconnected with outside world. The only way for me and my hubby to stay connected is by sending letter. hahahahyeap you heard me, a letter! It was fun thou. Putting your feeling into words, in a piece of paper, lipat-lipat and curi-curi bagi. haha.